8/19 YUCK!

I just hate that I fell yesterday. Makes me so mad that I have to use the damn walking stick(s). But at least they'll stop me from falling again. My back does remind me that I fell--guess that's what made me mad; I thought the epidural was working, and then splat! Ah well, what can you do.... No big deal in the scheme of things.

Tomorrow night I teach my first class at QU. I'm excited and nervous. Dear Cindy is letting Gus out for me tomorrow after work.

Oh, and Jan rescued me today. Someone set an appointment for me to interview someone at noon, and I had another one at 1 PM. Had to pick Gus up at the groomer's by 1 PM, and Jan was able to do it over her lunch hour. I absolutely hated to ask her but was so stuck. She's an angel.

Spoke to Rob for about an hour tonight. How wonderful is that! I love it when my kids and I both have time at the same time to talk.

Okay, back to preparing for my class. Love to all and prayers for those who need them.

8/18 Pride goeth before a fall. Splat!

Just this morning I finally started feeling pretty darn good. Then at noon I lost my balance and fell. So yeah, I'm really mad.

Came home at 2:30 and put on the heating pad. But before I did that, I stopped to buy my own walking sticks so I can return the doctor's. They're really expensive, but they will be worth it if I can prevent another fall.

But damn....

8/15 Hallelujah!

The epidural hurt a lot more than the first one, but the doc was funny and fun. He put in a lot more medicine (steroids included). Jane and Jan were there the whole time and the doc said that if it hurt too bad it was Jane's fault.

Afterward Jane and Jan took me to lunch which was sweet of them. Then before taking me home we went to John and Paulette's new house and we got a grand tour. John and Matt were working hard and the place is looking great.

Right now I'm feeling a little "weird," but there's not much pain. Tomorrow I should be able to have my normal routine. I have high hopes that this epidural is going to work. I'm very lucky and very blessed.

Thanks, Jane and Jan, for being there for me today.

8/5 A really down day

Don't know why, but I didn't have one pain free moment today. It was rough. All I wanted to do was go home and lay down, but I couldn't. Pain influenced every action, and I found it difficult to even think.

Sure hope tomorrow is better...

7/29 From tears to laughter

It was the worst day since before my epidural. At work I was able to keep tears at bay because I was so incredibly busy. When it got really bad I went into the bathroom and made faces at the mirror. It helped me not take myself or my pain so seriously.

Rob called late in the day and I was able to confess to him how I really felt. I called Jan on the way home, and was able to be cool on the phone.

At home I immediately went to bed, and the tears flowed. Jill called shortly afterward and could tell I'd been crying. But I told her that I'd gone from tears to hysterical laughter because of my animals. They were just hilarious. The funniest thing was when Bozie tried to jump off the bed but couldn't because Snickers had her tail in his mouth. He wasn't biting hard because she wasn't meowing, but it was effective nonetheless. Gus just watched with me.

God it was funny. And I enjoyed trying to explain it all to Jill.

What wonderful kids I have--they call to check on me every few days, sometimes every day.

I'm feeling a little bit better. Have been in bed since I got home, plus I took a pain pill.

I'm so glad I have these animals. They are so fun to come home to.

7/23 Puppies and doctors and stuff

Today Gus and Snickers are at the groomer's. They're getting a "face, feet, and butt" trim. So they'll still be nice and fuzzy and adorable.

Got a call from Wash U Medical Center in St. Louis to screen me for the neurosurgeon appointment. Now they'll give the info, plus the MRI results, to the doctor there and they'll call me back with an appointment. There are no choices about date and time. So I'll wait...

Also, we're setting up the next epidural. They'd told me I may need more than one. Unfortunately I was only pain free for one day and it started to get worse day by day.

So there it is... but tonight I'm having potatoes, sweet corn, tomatoes, and cucumber and onions. And yeah--it's going to be great.

7/17 Lots of GREAT news

I took Gus outside at 6 AM as always and thought, "Something's different." And it was--I was totally pain free for the first time in almost four months. It felt weird at first.

After my shower, when I started moving around a lot more, little pains came back--but if my worst back pain was a 10, this is a 2 or so. Nothing that will stop me from doing anything.

I actually wanted to call in sick and clean my house. The house is the worst it's ever been in my life. So I'm anxious to rectify that, but the prospect of doing it all is daunting--therefore it's going to be one room at a time.

The TAB (talented arrogant bastard who did my procedure--no names) said it may last for hours, days, weeks or even months. But he was really negative about the ultimate success. Guess what? I wanted to slap him but didn't let him drag me down. He also acted like all my answers were wrong. "If I do this with your leg, it's supposed to hurt. But it hurts when I do this, and it's not supposed to." That kind of thing. I know he had to give a negative spin on the ultimate success so as to not get my hopes up, but still....

Anyway he's talented. And I feel really really good, and am incredibly grateful.

Thanks so much for all your support and love.

AND--I'm getting Gus's brother. Yep. He's the last one in the litter and they don't want to advertise and they just want to be done with puppies. So I said I'd take him if he was free. And he is. :) I get him today. Anyone in the family want to steal him?

7/16 Happy birthday, Jan and other stuff

Hope you have a great birthday dinner tonight with Kris and Tim. Thanks to you and Jane for a delightful taxi service today.

The epidural went well. Other than two brief times when I experienced bad pain (he was trying to find the right place to inject the meds), the procedure was painless.

Right now, the paim is gone/minimal in the upper areas of my spine, but still hurts from my lower back down to my knees. I expect this to be gone in a day or two. The power of positive thinking. :)

Gus and Bozie were happy to see me. There's a chance I'm going to get Gus's brother as well. Will keep you informed.

7/15 Finally

Finally my internet is working again. I'm happy about that.

Today was so bad that I even cried a few times at work. This was probably the worst day I've experienced.

So tomorrow is coming none too soon. The epidural will be done around 12 which means I can work tomorrow morning for a few hours.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

7/13 More down than up

Today is the worst day I've had in a long time. Jane took me shopping for some things I needed, and while in the stores I kept experiencing attack after attack of extreme pain. Spent a lot of the time in tears and there was nothing I could do about it.

It's very discouraging.

Plus my internet isn't working except for two sites--my writing bb and Blogger.com. I can post but can't go to my website and answer comments. This is freakin' weird.

Anyway--back to bed.

7/12 Long time no post

Internet isn't working at home and I haven't had the energy to be on the phone forever trying to get it fixed. I'm at work trying to catch up, so will take the opportunity to post now--it's Saturday.

I misunderstood the doc. If it hurts, don't do it, means that if it hurts and I continue to do the activity then it may cause a muscle spasm which of course hurts like crazy. Activity won't cause further damage, so that's awesome news.

Have felt really bad the last several days except for yesterday. Pain was mild and was a welcome relief. Jan invited Gus and me to come swimming last night because I do need to start doing easy exercise. I swam with my puppy and did it very gently--using a noodle and not flailing my arms about. It felt superb, until afterward. Then the pain started and hasn't let up since. That saddens me because the swimming was fun.

Jan and Kris made a salad and zucchini fritters so they invited me to have dinner. It was delicious and much better than the PB&J sandwich I was going to have. Craig and Megan arrived last night to celebrate Jan's 60th this weekend. They aren't inviting us all over because it was a really long drive for just the weekend. Plus I really understand that they want their immediate family to spend the special time together.

7/9 Doc appointment

Saw him at 6:30 AM.

Guess it's worse than I thought. A lot worse.

The stenosis and arthritis aren't pushing against nerves like I thought. They're pushing against my spinal cord. That's why my shoulder and neck hurt too. If it was lower on my spine, it would be pressing against individual nerves.

Recommended I see a neurosurgeon ASAP and also recommended I make an appointment at Barnes or somewhere else out of town so I can get a second opinion immediately regarding the necessity for surgery. Will talk to my private consultants about other doctors out of town. (Jan and Jane, get ready.) :)

Also, he said the main thing to remember is--"If it hurts, don't do it." Told him my house is a wreck because of that very reason. Originally I thought I could do stuff and just pain would result but no additional damage, but he said that's not true. I could hurt myself worse.

The good news? My systolic blood pressure is 110. I attribute it to my puppy.

I know there's more, but I need to get back to work. Love you all.

7/8 Don't read this either

I'm finding it so hard to tolerate this pain. Am happy I'm going to see my doctor in the morning.

Went to the grocery store after work and got caught in one aisle where I couldn't even walk. Managed to shake that off and called my sister-in-law Cindy so she could help me unload my groceries. Thanks, Cindy, you were a godsend. And chatting with you for a little while made the tears stop. I only let it get to me that badly when I'm alone. But I'm okay now (emotionally). I love you.

My animules are glad to see me. After writing this I'm going to take another pill and go to bed.

7/8 Don't read this

Don't read this if you're sick and tired of reading about my back. But...

Wish the epidural were today. I experienced my worst night ever last night. Had pretty bad pain all day which is not the norm. By the time I got home I was crying. And the hydrocodone didn't help. Finally called my sister who's my doctor's nurse and cried to her. She said, "I don't allow patients to call me at home." God that made me laugh, and of course that helped immensely.

Of course, she did give me comfort. That calmed me down. The pain didn't go away but I stopped crying. Being calm makes things a lot better. Thanks, Jan.

Oh, and the night before last we had a first--Gus slept all night without me having to take him outside. Last night it was three times, but I do see that a full night's sleep is now possible.

And when I got out of the shower, Bozie was watching the weather. She's such a smart cat.

7/3 TMI on MRI

I know this will be too much information, but am writing it anyway.

Had the MRI yesterday and both my sisters called me with the results. I have two things wrong.

One is on L4 and L5 I have moderate to severe narrowing of the central canal. My doc said no wonder I'm in pain.

On the S1 and T12 I have perineural cysts (also called Tarlov cysts). Apparently they don't cause pain unless they grow to a certain size, so I don't know if they are just incidental or what.

There's also some stuff about "facet osteoarthropathy." Here's some info: "Most people who have facet arthropathy will complain of low back pain that is worse with twisting or extension (bending backwards) of the lumbar spine. ...as the facet joints become arthritic, they often develop bone spurs that can decrease the amount of space available for the nerve roots as they exit the spinal canal. This can be a contributing factor in the development of spinal stenosis, which does cause pain, numbness, and weakness in the buttocks and legs." Our father had arthritis of the spine, so it's no surprise that I have it.

Haven't spoken to my doc but he's sending me to a neurosurgeon, and also to the pain clinic for an epidural. I think I'll love the epidural. He does want me to have surgery, but of course I'm going to weigh my options. Luckily my sisters are wonderful and are great to have as consultants.

One sis said, "At least you know that you really have something." I laughed so loudly over the phone and replied, "I've always known I've had something. It's just you guys who think I'm a lazy slob." Laughed again. And so did she.

Yesterday and today were both big pain days, so I just took a pain pill. Will lie down soon and hope to begin snoring within moments.

7/1 Stuff

Work flew by today. I had so many meetings that I didn't get my work done and had to bring a lot of items home.

The good news is that my eyes are fine. Saw the ophthalmologist this morning.

Also good news is that I got some pain meds from my doc and they are helping. Tomorrow morning I'm having an MRI, so we'll see what happens.

6/26 Happy sad mad disappointed and more

I moved into my new office and the new job starts Monday. So I'm happy about that.

And my house sold in MS. So I'm happy about that too.

And my pets are fantastic. They make me smile after a day of listening to people's very real problems.

The sad mad disappointed comes from this: after work I was totally pain free. Decided to play with my pets a few minutes on my bed and then actually clean part of my house.

Kris came over and helped me fix a few things, and while getting her a screwdriver the shooting pains and spasms began. This was around 5:30 or so. And they're still happening. Makes me so damn mad.

I've finally gotten to the point that I'm not in constant pain. So that's very good. Yet, when it hurts it really hurts. I'm still in physical therapy, and will visit my doc again on Monday.

So I guess it's just cuddling with my cuties tonight. Love to all.

6/4 The best, the better, the good, the bad, and the OOPS.

The best is that I accepted an offer on my Mississippi house. The bad is that I'm losing a ton of money, but I just need to unload it.

The better is that I had physical therapy today and it felt good while I was there. The bad is that it doesn't feel good right now.

The good is that my promotion will give me a lot of satisfaction at work. The bad is that I'm hardly getting a raise.

The bad is that I still haven't found homes for Q and C. The good is that I get to keep them longer.

And the OOPS? Well, I slipped on a wet kitchen floor and fell flat on my back. Ah well...such is life.

6/2 The good, the bad, and the forgetful

Let's start with the forgetful before I forget. May 29th was my darling Jill's birthday, and I was so caught up in my own drama that I didn't post about her. Please forgive me, Jilly-bean, and I'm so happy you had a great 34th birthday.

The bad is that my back gave me fits over the weekend. Today was the worst. I start PT on Wednesday morning. That should help. And Doc said he'll order an MRI.

The good is really good--in fact two goods. First, we had a super time at the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. There were 4,000 walkers and 600 crew. What a fantastic weekend. The group raised more than 9 million dollars. Unbelievable!

The other good news is that I got a promotion at work. Beginning very shortly I'll be the Coordinator of Child and Adolescent Mental Health Programs at work. I'm so happy, and am really looking forward to the new challenge.

5/17 Too bad....

Woke up and took the dogs for a walk. They behaved really well, but after two blocks I had to turn around and come home. Spent most of the day either in bed or in a chair. The Advil just isn't cutting it anymore.

I'll see the doctor on Friday, and am looking forward to finding out what this is, and to get some relief.

Okay, this is the last post about the pain until I can post that it's better. :)

4/17 Good and bad

The good news is that I picked up the girls last night and they were sure glad to be home. Jan stopped by and we walked them for about a mile and a half through and around the college, with just a few squirrel problems.

The bad news is that I was in such pain I could barely walk by the time we were finished. It's no wonder my house is still a wreck as I have trouble bending over, and have trouble standing still. Due to some pain medication I was able to sleep. This morning, I couldn't walk. Well, a little. After a hot shower it was a little better. But even with the pain meds and muscle relaxers things aren't good. I'm pissed off.

My insurance begins May 1, so I'll be able to see a doctor.

1/11 A week from hades

What I didn't say in yesterday's post was that I hurt my wrist at dog training. And late last night both my dogs rolled in the mud and swam in the holes they dug. So both had to have baths which exacerbated the injury.

By this morning the pain was horrible but I had a meeting I couldn't miss. After the meeting I went to the doctor. I knew it was just a sprain but wanted to make sure.

It is a sprain but involves tendons, ligaments, and a muscle. It has to stay immobilized for a week, then we'll see.

9/5 A pain in the neck

Finally called the doctor today after being in pain for weeks. My admin assistant threatened me. He's a former Marine and said he was going to call my son and let him know I wasn't taking good care of myself. That scared me enough to make me call.

Funny thing was--my doc is out of town for a week. The doctor on call told the nurse to call in some pain meds for me. I'm buzzing but the pain isn't gone. If it doesn't feel any better in a few days I'm to call back in.

I re-injured it lifting my couch on Sunday. I feel so grateful though--I have some great friends here who have offered to help me in any way I need it. My house is so messy though that I refuse to have anyone over to help. Will wait until I feel a bit better and will try vacuuming again. When I did that on Sunday it made it hurt worse.

What a dork!